Sex
By David Cotfila and Kate Cotfila
Summary Written by Adam Hardy

Questions will be boldfaced.

Hi, my name is David Cotfila. I’m the director of the Cisco Center here at RPI. My email is cotfid@rpi.edu.

Hi, my name is Kate Cotfila. I’m the associate pastor at Brunswick Church. My email is kate@brunswickchurch.org.

We’ve been through 32 years of marriage and are still sometimes happy. Since we got married at age 18 and age 19, we don’t really have any credibility to talk before you all tonight. But we’ve been married for a while and hopefully we’ll be able to draw upon that experience to answer your questions.

First, before we answer any questions, let’s briefly lay the groundwork. God has lots more to say about sex than just no. So we’re going to start with the Biblical context and work from there. God created us male and female, not just one gender or individual. Genesis 1:26-28 – “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.’ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God He created him; make and female He created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.’” These verses give a mandate to both men and women. And by filling the earth, we are fulfilling God’s will. Sex is the highest experience of unity between a man and a woman. Two can become one, and this reflects God’s unity. However, sex often doesn’t reflect this. God created sensuality to be expressed in covenant. We are called into a covenant relationship, the kind where “I am for you and you are for me until one of us dies.” This is the best context to express ourselves that makes unity work.

You’re laying the Biblical framework, but what about in the Bible when men have more than one wife?

That is a good question, which I don’t really have a good answer for. In those relationships, there was some degree of covenant. However, they still had more than one wife. In the New Testament, though, that is when the covenant standard was set, and divorce became understood, so that is what we must abide by.

Are there any situations when it is alright to break a covenant?

The premise of covenant seems to remain true throughout the New Testament with the exemption of when one spouse is unfaithful to another. However, there are special circumstances, which I believe warrant breaking a covenant, such as domestic abuse.

You cannot change your spouse, try as you might. You can only change yourself. People often go into marriage looking for the ideal person, but I like to think you should go in looking for the ideal self.

How fun is it?

Really fun! Sometimes though, it’s not. Sometimes it’s ok.

Our sex life sucked for the first 10 years of our marriage, just because we were spending that time discovering what we each like.

I am convinced that monogamy is not natural and incredibly difficult to honor. But if you stay within those lines and spend your life getting to know your spouse, it can be incredibly fulfilling.

Is there such a thing as being too passive in a relationship?

Absolutely. If you are passive now, you will be aggressive later. And if you are not being consistent now, you will pay for it later on.

What do you do if you are genuinely attracted to a non-believer?

The official line is “Do not date unbelievers.” The reason for this is that it might turn into a lifelong relationship and if you have different values, it will not work out.

But you also have to consider what makes an unbeliever. I’ve been a Christian for a while but still consider myself a seeker. So in some cases, I might say “Go for it” and see what happens.

How does a girlfriend or friend support a guy who has an addiction to pornography?

I have had an addiction to porn. That is how I dealt with pain in my life. A good book to read is The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa L. Crenshaw. People with addictions tend to surf to other addictions, as a side note. A way I deal with my addictions is running, weight lifting, sharing in small groups, prayer. I’ve been sober for 6 months now, and like any other addiction, I go in and out.

Something I feel is important is that if you have no idea what it’s like to be addicted to pornography, you have no right to judge. It’s been destructive to our relationship and our sex lives. But the best way I find to support David is to find grace and be supportive.

How important a factor should having sex be to getting married?

For us, it was very important. But we kind of had a skewed view of things.

When should you get married?

Whenever you can support each other. Whenever you can’t take not having sex any longer.

If you look at it historically, people were getting married in their teens. In society today, we are getting married much later, after our hormones have had a chance to develop and run wild.

Also, not all of you are going to get married. God has not called all of us to marriage. And when you’re single, you have to be able to put up with your unmet sexual needs.

How does unfaithfulness affect later on in a marriage?

You have pictures and images from a previous relationship, and those do nothing but hurt it.

Is oral sex and penetrating . . . can you do that? Is it a sin?

There is nothing Biblical about oral sex. The Song of Songs, a bunch of erotic poetry, has some references but doesn’t really say anything definitive.

However, when someone orgasms, it creates a powerful chemical bond. Are you really sure you want to do that with someone you don’t marry? At what point does foreplay become sex?

Is birth control a sin?

The Roman Catholic Church holds that anything that interferes with God’s creative plan is a sin. The Protestant Church doesn’t hold to this. Here’s the deal, though: God can make a baby anytime you have sex.

How important is it to act surprised?

That’s the most horrible thing you can do if you’re not surprised. You should go into it beforehand by sharing what each of you needs to know about the other.

Were you surprised?

Oh yeah. We were virgins. But we had no idea what we were doing. It was bad; the pits. We read all the books. And after the first time, we burned them.

How do you remain mentally pure?

Don’t beat on yourselves. All the time you spend thinking about how bad you are just reinforces that. It is so hard these days not to look and someone and start undressing them with your eyes. And a lot of times you don’t have to cause they’re undressed already.

Can guys and girls just be friends?

Absolutely. It takes time and is often fraught with complications. You always have to know that your hormones are at play.

What is your opinion about anal sex in marriage?

There are no Scriptural guidelines on what types of sex are allowed in marriage. I like to think it should be mutually enjoyable. So as long as you both agree, I feel it is fine.

When is the right time to start talking to young people about sex?

Whenever they start asking. You should be open and comfortable about it with them. Better this than any shroud of silence that makes it taboo to talk about.

Is it alright to have sex with more than one person at a time?

I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s the Biblical understanding that this is not allowed, so you can cross orgies out.

Is marriage supposed to be a testing ground or judgment for later on?

God is not acting as a cosmic cop looking to get us. There is no way that having sex outside of covenant will forever separate us from God.